20130129-181709.jpgWelcome everyone! Now, a bit of comic relief is in order for your hump day. It is brought to you by Roger Armstrong, “code monkey” for Storm Moon Press, and apparently an expert on gay men ;). So listen up ladies, because Roger has the answer to a long-debated dispute!

It happens with alarming regularity. Somewhere, for some reason, someone―usually a gay man―makes a big rant about women writing gay male characters and how they just can’t do it right and shouldn’t be getting their peanut butter in his chocolate or whatever. There then follows a week or so of battle lines being drawn and an overabundance of words like ‘privilege’ and ‘misogyny’. And then everything simmers down until the next time.

So, in the hopes of avoiding such hoopla in the future, I decided to take it onto myself to fix the problem and explain to all the sensitive ladybrains out there the intricacies of writing men. Because gay men are still men and must, therefore, act like men. It is my hope that this contribution to the genre will clear up any lingering questions about who is and is not allowed to play in the gay male sandbox.

1. Sex
Men have a lot of it. And they have it like men. None of this foreplay nonsense or seduction or, God forbid, cuddling. When a man gets done fucking something, he takes a shower, gets dressed, and goes back out to find something else to fuck. Only women care about things like fidelity and monogamy, so if there’s no woman in the picture, men will stick it in just about anything that’s the right size, the way nature intended.

2. Emotion
Men have two emotions: horny and angry. That’s it. And usually they’re angry because they’re horny and no one will fuck them or because the person they want to fuck is fucking someone else. Women just complicate things with distractions like ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ and ‘playful’ and ‘coy’. If a man is having a good day, he’s horny. If he’s having a bad day, he’s angry. It’s pretty simple. And the best way to stop a man being angry is to make him horny. Hard to be angry when you’re balls-deep.

3. Tears
Tears are a tool of emotional blackmail used only by women. The male tear duct is a vestigial organ, like the appendix or nipples. The only appropriate use of tears by a man is to cleanse the eye of dust or ash or other particulate matter. And in such instances, it is required that the man announce this fact to any other man present or risk confiscation of his Man Card.

4. Sex
I know I said sex before, but you seriously need to understand the amount of fucking sex that real men have. With no uptight, emotional women acting as gatekeepers, men left to their own devices only stop fucking and go to work because they need beer money. (Hell, I’m even getting a blowjob while I’m writing this up!)

5. Hobbies
Gay men don’t have hobbies, they have sex. Hobbies are for horny straight men who would rather be fucking. All major hobbies that men engage in (with the exceptions of hunting and fishing, which are all about killing things out of anger that they can’t be fucking) are surrogates for fucking. Golf uses a stick to push your ball into a hole even though every possible obstacle has been put in your way. Bowling is about throwing your load past the row of gleaming white “pins” and into the darkness beyond. Car racing is just a recreation of the insemination process that rewards the fastest participant. And so on. (Note that ‘hobby’ is different from ‘sport’―sports are contests of skill designed to increase the desirability of the winner and thereby lead to more fucking.)

6. Job
No, all gay men are not florists or decorators or dancers. Gay men are men, and therefore have manly jobs like construction or firefighting… or… mmm. Sorry, what was I saying? Right. Any gay men who are in such jobs are heteronormitizing themselves and it hurts us all. Only not, because men don’t hurt; we just get angry about it.

7. Sex
I’m not kidding. Gay men have an astounding amount of sex. Kinky sex, too, not just the boring stuff. Leather and bondage and orgies and gloryholes and every position you can think of, plus a couple that require an engineering degree to even attempt. If you think you’re putting too much sex in your story, you’re wrong.

8. Relationships
Women have relationships. Men divide the world into three types of people: People I’ve Fucked, People I Don’t Wanna Fuck, and People I Ain’t Fucked Yet. Any method of “relating” to people is directly and solely influenced by what group they are a member of. In fact, the entire focus of a man’s life is to move everyone from the third category into one of the other two.

9. Sex
Just making sure you’re paying attention.

10. Love
Now, it would be an exaggeration to say that men don’t love. Men love lots of things. Men love sex. Men love beer. Men love their trucks. It’s even conceivable that a man could love another man. But such a thing is impossible to prove outside of laboratory conditions because men are genetically incapable of using the word in the presence of another man. Such a statement would indicate a weakness upon which other men would prey in an instant, and so it has been evolutionarily bred out of the species.

I hope that this clears things up and that the quality of gay fiction will now improve because all the men will now be written as real men and all of the stories will focus only on things that are important to real men. You’re welcome. Accolades, gifts of beer, and offers for sex can be delivered to me via the blog owner.

Roger Armstrong is the resident Code Monkey for Storm Moon Press. He can be found (occasionally) on Twitter @slutbamwalla.

Giveaway Opportunity!

This guest post is part of Storm Moon Press’ 3rd Anniversary Blog Tour! Comment on this post or any other post on the blog tour with your e-mail address, and you’ll be entered for a chance to win the Grand Prize of receiving 1 FREE e-book each month of 2013 from that month’s new releases for a total of 12 free e-books! Runners up will receive a $25 gift certificate to their choice of Amazon or All Romance eBooks. For more details and to find out about our 3rd Anniversary, head over to the Storm Moon Press’ Official Blog. Thanks for joining us!